For The German Students
posted April 17, 2008

Dear Dr. Toast,

We accidentally found your website during our search for some information about the toast's history and its consumer habits. We are 10 students from Germany who are participating at a famous marketing/design competition and our task is to create a complete new strategy/commercials for a very famous Toast Brand. To win this competition you could help us, as you are a famous toast doctor. We are sure you can help us to answer our questions [below]. It would be sooo helpful to get some answers. We will name your help in our presentation.

Thank you so much,

-- Angela from Germany (

Q: Why did you decide to open a Dr. Toast site?

A: Dr. Biscuit, Dr. Pancake, and Dr. Huevos Rancheros were already taken.

Q: Why do you think people are so interested in toast and how many visitors do you have monthly?

People are interested in toast because it's a great way to meet new people and improve hand-eye coordination.

I receive approximately one hundred billion trillion monthly visitors to my site. To try to visualize this number, if you were to stack all of the monthly visitors on top of each other, they would reach all the way to the moon.

Q: What does toast mean for you and why toast and not bread?

A: To quote Alan Burdick: "To toast, then, is to ritually re-enact, daily and in miniature, the American dream itself. Each morning, in a small corner of the kitchen, the transformation of bread into cake prefigures (we hope) our own successful assault upon the social ladder. It is as if, by toasting, we ourselves might be toasted."

And toast, not bread, because Sara Lee holds the trademark on the term "Bread®" and my counsel advises against it.

Q: Which person could stand for toast?

A: I believe that a great American hero could stand for toast. Benjamin Franklin, Mark Wahlberg, and Maya Angelou come to mind.

Q: And last but not least - how can toast be a medium to bring people together?

A: I would like to see the world's pop superstars come together to sing an anthem of toast, a la "We Are The World", in order to send a message of love, tolerance, and understanding to all mankind. Here is a sample verse, with the names of the stars who will sing each line:

Make toast, not war, let the children know (Avril Lavigne)
Spread peace like butter, watch it start to grow (Jay Z)
Add the marmalade, that your karma made (Madonna)
Crust is justice, just trust this toasted flow (50 Cent)