Theories on Toast
posted August 10, 2005

by Johnny Insipid


As a member of Toastmasters International I shall speak to you a speech. On toast. And of it’s mysteries.

My speech begins as thus:

People will fear the many things they do not understand. Some do not understand war or perhaps the beauty seen from a really good height. Some fear spiders. For others, of too great a number, it is toast.

But what is it that urges these sorry souls to consume (not only at breakfast, but all times of the day) their own heart-weakening horror? Um, they’re probably hungry. Still, it is only in education that people will quell there mad, mad, madness.

You know how bread will sit and either become A:really moldy or B:old and crusty? (hhmmm…kinda like people I guess. maybe this is the root of the fear) This is due to the aging of bread. Yet we come to A or B in different enviroments; where A will become edibly unattractive, B becomes very much like toast. Thus, the obvious answer is that the toaster is a ‘Flash-Aging Device’.

Now hear me out. The toaster is a unit of toasting technology which, within it’s walls, speeds up time for whatever may be present. When we add a bread product (read: pre-pubescant toast) we bombard it with the energy of time travel producing bread type B. So much heat is spent in time travel that we receive a toast with a nice tan (depending on how far we age it)

And there you have it. Personally I joined Toastmaster International for the obvious reason. To meet women. However I’m happy to say that due to being a better speaker, I have found the strength to face my fears. I am a master of toast it is true, of 53 different types of toast found all over the world.

Thank you. God bless and good night.