Calories and Carbohydrates
posted April 11, 1997

Q: Does toasting bread reduce calories or carbohydrates?

– Joslin (

A: The process of toasting bread does not physically reduce calories or carbohydrates. However, eating toast will make you more popular and attractive.

You see, Joslin, toasting bread fundamentally changes its molecular structure. The high temperature convection currents within the toaster transform the complex carbohydrates, through a process known as “Toaster Induced Molecular Transfiguration”, or TIMT, into new molecules that are actually capable of altering the structure of your DNA. These new molecules are called “Molecular Toast Genetic Transmogrificators”, or MTGTs. When the MTGTs enter your bloodstream, they seek out the nuclei of your cells and, through the process of “Active Molecular Toast Genetic Transmogrification”, or AMTGT, modify the very sequence of your genetic code. The resulting enhanced genetic material is appropriately called “Toast Initiated Genetic Transmogrificant”, or TIGT, which over time will result in “Toast Accellerated Human Evolution”, or TAHE. So you see, TIMT-induced MTGTs result in AMTGT on your DNA, giving you TIGT leading to TAHE which, FYI, is A-OK.

Sound a little scary? Well, never fear. Because they are a miracle born of toast, the MTGTs only replace segments of your DNA which are directly detrimental to your looks and popularity. For example, if through some unfortunate twist of fate the encoding of your DNA has left you with the irresistable urge to dance the Macarena whenever you hear that ridiculous song, the MTGTs will overwrite that flawed section. The perverted impulse will be replaced with the overwhelming need to put on a classic Miles Davis record instead.

The principle is also true of physical flaws. No more bad hair days. No more stinky feet. And you know that little flap of skin you get when you burn the roof of your mouth with a really hot slice of pizza? If you eat enough toast, your repaired genes will give you a more heat-resistant, pizza-tolerant mouth.

So eat your toast, Joslin. For yourself, and for your posterity.

– Dr. Toast