I Accidentally Brought My Toaster To Life
posted March 23, 1997

Q: Dr. Toast, I need help! I accidentally brought my toaster to life and now it is trying to kill me and my family with a can of Cheez Whiz! What do I do??!

– Mikey (Mikey6585@xxxxx.com)

A: Mikey, do not be alarmed at your toaster’s unprovoked aggression. This is completely normal. You see, a toaster that has been unexpectedly brought to life simply needs time to adjust to its new environment. Take it by its cord and gently lead it on a leisurely tour around your home. Let it explore one room at a time, at its own pace. Show it where its food and water are kept, and talk to it in calm, reassuring tones.

If you give your toaster the love and attention it needs, keep it fed and groomed, and bring it in for regular visits at a factory authorized service center, you will be rewarded with many years of loyal companionship, unconditional love, and fresh, crispy toast.

– Dr. Toast