Virgin Toast
posted October 17, 1996

Q: I have a burning toast question. I hate it when you have a nice slice of yummy, yet untoasted, bread which is a little too thick or a little too long to fit into the slot of the toaster. Is there anything I can do to transform this piece of “virgin” toast into the crispy, steamy, crunchy, warm toast that it longs to be without chopping it up and being left with undesirable pieces of raw bread?

– Befuddled in Boston (chacker@xxxxx.edu)

A: Obviously, the solution to this dilemma lies not in foolishly attempting to make the bread smaller. Therefore, the only possible solution is to make the toaster larger.

“But”, you ask, “how do I make my toaster larger?”

Several options are available. Select the one that best fits your emotional and philosophical needs.

  1. Tape several slices of bread to the exterior of the toaster. Connect the appliance to the wall current and initiate a standard toasting cycle. The electrons will sense the overpowering karma of the bread through the cold steel of the toaster’s walls. In fact, they will be so eager to reach the bread that they will pound and expand the walls of the toaster in their frantic quest for breakfast nirvana (see Dr. Toast’s explanation of the “Electron Anxiety Effect”.

  2. Fill toaster with Mountain Dew. Cover slots with hands and shake vigorously. (Dr. Toast will not be held responsible for any internal appliance corrosion or personal health issues that may result)

  3. Fuse the DNA of your toaster with the DNA of a larger appliance, such as a microwave. Your toaster will evolve into a larger, higher technology machine but may produce slightly soggy toast. Be prepared for other unpredictable effects as well (see Jeff Goldblum in the movie “The Fly”…)

  4. A simple but inelegant method is to soak the toaster in tomato juice. Submerse the appliance in a bathtub filled with tepid tomato juice, and let sit for two to three hours until plump and wrinkled (Warning: Do not attempt to operate the toaster during this process). This method is also useful for the toaster which has been sprayed by a skunk.

  5. Pray for a miracle at the Shrine to Toast. Hey, it could happen.

– Dr. Toast