Burnt Toast
posted October 17, 1996

Q: What do I do with burnt toast? Is burnt toast even still considered toast?

Blackened in Beantown (chacker@xxxxx.edu)

A: Of course burnt toast is considered toast. I prefer to call it “carbon-enriched”. We are, after all, carbon based life forms. All that distinguishes humankind from a slice of carbon-enriched toast is a central nervous system. And some amino acids and stuff.

As spiritually empowering and philosophically inspiring as carbon-enriched toast is, the simple fact remains that it is not tasty. Therefore, when one is confronted with a slice of toast that is edibly challenged, one must take immediate steps to undo the damage.

The easiest way to unburn a slice of toast is to simply reverse the direction of time itself. We know from Einstein’s theory of general relativity (see Dr. Toast’s explanation of the Coriolis effect and Einstein’s theory as they pertain to toast), the faster an object travels, the slower it experiences time. At the speed of light, time would be at a standstill. Any faster, and time would reverse.

Unfortunately, Einstein’s theory states that it is impossible for any object to reach the speed of light.

Well, Mr. Einstein, never underestimate the power of Toast.

All that is necessary to accelerate a slice of toast to the speed of light and beyond is a good hefty toss. Don’t let its crusty texture deceive you, toast is actually the most aerodynamically perfect object in the universe. With a good windup and a well-timed flick of the wrist, it is possible to hurl a slice of toast with sufficient force that it actually rips a hole in the fabric of space-time, emerging as a tasty slice of bread ready for a second chance.

In fact, you may even have to take it out of the bag again.

– Dr. Toast