Toast Addiction
posted April 18, 1996

Q: Dr. Toast, is there such a thing as having an addiction to toast? I can't seem to get through my day without eating a slice of warm toast in the morning, and this really scares me, Doc. And if so, is there a support group out there that can help me?

-- Your Pal, Skippy "Crunchy" P.B. (egu25989@xxxxx.edu)

A: Skippy, I'm afraid the addiction to toast is an extremely real and frighteningly common phenomenon.

The sad truth of the matter, Skippy, is that we are ALL hopelessly, permanently, and incurably addicted to toast. However, we should be thankful, for a healthy addiction to toast keeps us safe from the devastating effects of toast's only alternative: street drugs.

Unfortunately, it has come to my attention recently that many of America's young folks are in fact choosing these street drugs over toast. This can be attributed directly to a lack of toast education. So for all you kiddies reading this, I give you this Netscape-Enhanced table comparing toast and crack:

  Toast
Crack
Nutrition: Contains essential vitamins and minerals Contains benzene and other carcinogens
Sensation: Gives you a warm, fuzzy feeling at breakfast-time Can cause cardiac arrest instantly
Condiments: Easy to spread with butter and jam Very hard to spread butter and jam on small crumbly crack "rocks"
Texture: Has that tasty crunch we like a bunch Crack is crunchy, but you probably wouldn't want to eat it
Patriotism: Usually made with wheat grown by jolly American farmers Usually made with Coca plants grown by murderous Columbian cartels
Cost: A few cents per slice About five bucks a "rock"

Say "NO" to Drugs! Say "YES" to Toast!

-- Dr. Toast

P.S. -- Obviously, since we are all toast addicts, there are no formal toast support groups. Just eat a slice and watch "Melrose Place" or something.