Q: Dr. Toast, your knowledge of the toaster astounds and amazes me. How did you come to learn so much about toast?
– An Inquiring Mind (email@example.com)
A: This is a subject I find somewhat difficult to talk about, but because of its therapeutic value, I’ll tell you, Inquiring Mind. In 1982, when I was in the second grade, I was struck in the head by a large piece of toasted sourdough bread traveling at a high velocity (presumably ejected from a toaster by Satan). The toast lodged just below my left frontal lobe, and I fell into a deep coma. Because of the precarious placement of the toast, the doctors were afraid to remove it for fear of causing further damage. My family and friends stood nearby, waiting for the inevitable. Little did they know, however, that all of the wisdom and power of generations of toast was slowly seeping into my young, absorbent mind. When I miraculously awoke three months later, the toast was gone, my head had healed, and I had become Dr. Toast. It was a traumatic experience for a second grader, but through the years my place in the world has become clear to me.
I Toast, Therefore I Am.
– Dr. Toast